Runnin' with The Devil

Well… I got some really interesting news this week. I just got a new job as a manager at one of the top restaurants in Los Angeles.

Although I am very excited about this opportunity to get in and work for this very reputable company in this very famous restaurant, this does have it pros and cons.

The con is: I’m never gonna have no time to get any writing done. OR should I say: If I ever want to get any writing done, I’m really going to have to be Super Very Oranized and disciplined beyond my wildest dreams. I’m going to have to go without sleep and wake up at the crack of dawn with coffee and inspiration.

The pros are: management is good for me! I’m learning the skills necessary to do what I really want to do which is: own my own place.

But still, I am getting further and further away from my writing career (or non-career) and deeper and deeper into my restaurant career.

But…I guess we all have to make choices. As my grandfather once said: “The world needs ditch diggers too…”

So, I guess there is one PRO to the situation: I don’t have to dig ditches.

And it just so happens; I actually do love the restaurant business. I do.

When I was 16 years old I was making pizzas at a place in Chicago called Abondanza. Abondanza means “big feast” in Italian, in case you don’t know. The owner was a big nosed, short-legged alligator of a man named Joe DeVita. He was a grease ball from Sicily. But boy was his food delicious. Really. His red sauce was amazing, his meatballs were amazing and his pizza, still to this day, is the best I’ve ever had.

I was a little inner city Chicago urban screwball that hung out with a pack of beer guzzling, street kids who listened to heavy metal and smoked cigarettes and tried to be tough.

Anyway, Joe was kind of a mean bastard, but he had a good crew of people in the kitchen. On the Pizza side it was Me, Pablo, Keith and another Italian kid named Natale Binicci. Natale was born on Christmas, hence the name. When I knew him he was about 24 years old, dark hair, dark eyes and had a big, endearing smile with a little space between his two front teeth. He was Italian, yes, but he wasn’t a meathead. He was a charmer. With his smile and his voice and his charm, he just knew how to light up any situation. He was by far the coolest guy in the restaurant and the only guy who stood up to Joe and the only guy I ever was in love with. He definitely my hero. A big brother. And a father figure. And a friend.

One night, I was working with Natale and it was getting late. My friends were all waiting for me at the park and I was in a big hurry to get the final pizzas out of the oven so I could split. As I was getting ready to slice the last pizza up, Natale looked over at me and said: “That’s not done yet.”

No, it’s done, I said.

“It’s not. The cheese isn’t browning, the crust isn’t crisp. Put it back in the oven.

I was in a big rush to go huff spray paint on a park bench. “Who cares, dude?”

He looked at me for a long time and said: “Who’s your favorite guitar player?”

“Eddie Van Halen”, I said, “why?”

“What if that pizza is for Eddie Van Halen?”

“Eddie Van Halen would never eat at fuckin’ Abondanza!”

“You don’t know who is out in the dining room. Anyone could be out there!”

We argued as to weather Eddie could actually be out in the dining room. Eventually he convinced me that it was conceivable that Eddie “could maybe possibly” arrive one night at Abondanza and get a pizza before heading to the gig or maybe after a gig, before getting back on the tour bus…

“Now if Eddie was in the dining room and told Phyllis (the waitress) `tell Albert to make me his best, special pizza,’ you’d want to really impress him wouldn’t you?”

“Fuck yeah,” I agreed.

“That’s why you have to make every pizza like it was for Eddie Van Halen. Because truth is: you never know who could be in the dining room. It could be Eddie or Angus Young or even Prince!”

I put the pizza back in the oven and let it cook.

That night, Natale gave me my first lesson in integrity there beside the raging pizza oven. Afterwards, I left and wandered out into the cold Chicago night. I walked to the park to see my friends. We did drink beer, we did huff spray paint and I even think we played some air guitar to Back in Black.

That night I fell asleep and dreamed that Eddie Van Halen was coming home from a gig at Rosemont Horizon Amphitheater, stopped in at Abondanza, sat at booth three, cigarette dangling from his mouth, and played an acoustic version of Eruption on a nylon string guitar. It was incredible.

And yes, he loved the pizza and the pitcher of Old Style and the seven-bean minestrone.

Natale wound up getting fired from Abondanza and I did as well some time after. Then my life sort of went a different direction. I learned how to write and I became pretty good at it and I started dating an actress and I wrote a few plays and I went out to New York and then wound up in Los Angeles and optioned a few script and got a couple of jobs…but….in the end I realize that: I’m too smart for Hollywood. It’s too damaging for my art to attach dollar signs to every organic, creative impulse and judge them by their theoretical monetary value on an always lengthening or shorting yardstick.

But that’s a subject for another Blog.

So, here I am, years later, finally working at a place where…Eddie Van Halen probably could eat and maybe even has. I know Justin Timberlake was there the other night. And so was Gwynne Stefani and so was Usher. These guys are a far cry from Angus Young or Eddie Van Halen or even Prince, but…if they come into my place: They’re gonna love their fuckin’ dinner just as much as Eddie did that night he came to Abondanza.

All I want to do is masturbate to this American Apparel ad

My little brother called me from Florida last week. This was his message: “Al. I got myself fired from my job selling cars. I’m collecting unemployment and I’m moving to LA to pursue my dream of becoming an actor…”

He seems to be really inspired.

Then I spoke to my friend Joey Klein yesterday and he actually has a script in development with some production company in NY. He’s also really inspired right now.

I gotta get back to work. I really do.

I gotta invest some time and some money into getting my work back out there. I think what I need to do is print a copy of all my scripts and just start reading them and polishing them and sending out query letters and entering contests.

But…all I really want to do is masturbate to this American Apparel ad.

It’s Saturday morning; my girlfriend is visiting her family. I’ve got the whole day off work to write and really get my thoughts together. I’ve got this great idea for a new screenplay. It’s kind of commercial. I mean, it’s got a great hook and it’s got great characters and I think it could be really scary too. It’s kind of a psychological thriller, but high concept. That’s what everyone wants. I think Russell Crowe would be great as the lead. I’ve got a few ideas down on paper for an opening and I really need to get to work.

But, instead I think maybe I’ll masturbate to this American Apparel ad…

Too bad too, cuz I actually am a pretty talented writer and was really very ambitious abut it for a while… Not to mention the fact that I have a beautiful chick that I live with who I love very much and she never denies me sex, ever… In fact, I think we’ll probably do it later on today.

But still, I feel like masturbating to this American Apparel ad.

Hmm… It’s almost noon. It’s a beautiful day. What I really should do is get up, take the dogs for a nice walk in the park before it gets too hot, then come home and get to work on the new screenplay.

Actually, I’ve got a great idea for a new stage play, too. I haven’t written a play in a few years but I’ve got this great, kind of, very adult story, a drama, and just two characters. It’s almost like a modern day telling of Edward Albee’s ZOO STORY. But hyper modern. I actually would love to do a really small black box production of it right here in Los Angeles. I think that would be awesome! Maybe even make a super low budget film version of it. You know? Just put it in some festivals? See what happens? I should really get to work on this play.

But you know what? I think I’ll just maybe masturbate to this American Apparel ad. Have you seen this one? I don’t know who this girl is, but she’s beautiful. She’s like, kind of got this pudgy, cute face, you know, but she’s in the back of a taxi cab, kind of looking right into the camera with this really serious expression. And she’s got her legs open, like she’s about to get laid right in the back of the taxi cab, right there in broad daylight. Gosh…

Then, I’m also trying to write this business plan for a little wine and cheese bar in town. I really want to use some of my personal savings and maybe secure a bank loan and then find some private investors to open a really hip, really cool bar. I’m thinking about downtown, but it’s kind of scary down there with all the major corporate competition, but I just dig the urban vibe, you know? I love down town and I love wine and my business plan is really got great potential.

Now, I can’t quite tell exactly what it is she’s modeling. I think it’s this skirt. It’s called the “waist high”. But I think it’s chiefly the look in her eyes that’s so provocative. She’s just so brazen, you know? There with her legs open in the back of that taxi in broad daylight in Manhattan. You got to see this ad. It’s on the back of the February, 2008 copy of New City magazine. He legs are open, but the frame of the photo kind a begins at her knees, so you can’t really see anything, but it’s the “idea” of what’s down there, you know? Below the frame. There in the back of the taxi cab.

Well, I suppose I should get to work on that screenplay now. Or maybe the stage play. Or the business plan? Yeah. I mean. I am a writer after all.

Maybe I should get a new blog going…

CALIFORNIA SUPREAM COURT COCK-BLOCKS ALL GAYS

The California Supreme Court’s decision allowing same sex marriage will certainly throw a monkey wrench into the political debates of the 2008 presidential election for John McCain as he struggles to convince the Neo Conservative Wing of the Republican Party that he is indeed Satanic Enough to merit their vote. The Gay Marriage issue will soften his appeal with The Right as he grasps tightly to The Middle but struggles to take hold of the base…

No pun intended.

It may also block-his-cock with undecided voters who aren’t ready to get behind “the black guy”.

I know all the Neo Cons and Christians and homo phobes are already up in arms about California’s decision and are mobilizing another push for a federal constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage and I just think it’s ridiculous.

I think, as far as I can decipher through their twisted knowledge, their justification is NOT that they hate fags, which is clearly the case, but that: If two gays can marry, then that somehow will dilute the sanctity of a marriage between a man and a woman…

These are the same people who re-elected George Bush after he began a preemptive war against a sovereign nation in order to control China’s ability to purchase Iraqi Oil. They talk about Sanctity? They call them selves Pro Life as well!

Let’s be honest: They don’t want to pass a federal constitutional ban on same sex marriage for any other reason than: they hate fags. And they hate them past the point of a few fudge-packing jokes or fake lisps. They really hate fags. Why? I have one theory, there’s no scientific basis behind it, but I think it’s because: Neo Cons can’t fuck their wives. Or conversely, get fucked by their husbands. It’s the same reason they wander out into the woods and blow the heads off animals with automatic weapons. “Bitterness,” I think Barack Obama called it.

But…let’s not get too emotional here.

I’ve spent nearly my entire adult life in Chicago, New York and Los Angeles working in restaurants and the majority of my friends and pals have mostly been homosexual and I just want to go on record here: I dig the Gays. They (the gays) have been mostly always really cool, funny, hip, smart and great kissers. Dykes can sometimes be rude, but I guess they view me as their oppressor so I suppose I can allow them the indulgence.

But here’s my real point. If the Neo Cons and Christians and Homo phobes really do hate “the gays” as much as they pretend not to, they should definitely let them marry!

Why should homosexuals be spared the drudgery, monotony and inescapable trap of marriage??? What makes them so lucky?

What a life: Hang out at MJ’s, listen to techno music, and sip Coronas all summer long in Hawaiian shirts!?! No weddings to plan, no stretch limo to rent, never having to “Do the Macarena” in some horrible rented tuxedo while your parents nervously count the number of drinks passing over the “open bar”. Halleluiah! Please! Either same sex marriage should be legalized, or, to make it fair, traditional marriage should be outlawed!

It’s been so long since I’ve had some high-risk anonymous group action; I just don’t know what to do!

Then if they really want to stick-it-to the gays, allow them to give birth and raise little monster children who will create greenhouse gasses and methane and use non recyclable diapers and grow up to guzzle Red Bull and spend their parents money and crash their cars, move to New York and only call when they need to borrow more money!

That’ll show them gays!

And as if that weren’t bad enough, let’s not forget the horrors of divorce… Lawyers, domestic disturbance calls to the police, restraining orders and fist fights on the front lawn with your father-in-law!

Truth is: marriage is a hoax! A cruel joke played on men and women who are born into a body that is fueled almost entirely on the biological need for “more sex”. Then we are thrown into this culture that exists seemingly only to torture and taunt us into believing that we’re not getting enough sex or we’re not getting the right kind of sex or we’re not getting the right kind of sex with the right sex partner… It’s mind-boggling…

Maybe Polygamy is where it’s at?

But hey, this is America. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

So to all you gays out there (you know who you are): Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.

LUNCH IN SILVER LAKE

“So what are you two doing, just driving around looking for homes?”

“Yeah. We love the neighborhood. It’s so beautiful.”

“The West side has become so...congested.”

“Silver Lake seems very…safe.”

“It is. Much safer than it used to be.”

“There used to be a lot more minorities, but they’re mostly gone now.”

“There are some Asians.”

“But the Asians are great.”

“Hey, is that your Prius out front?”

“Yeah! I Love it! It’s great for the environment. You know the war is terrible. It’s driving gas prices up and up.”

“Yeah. We’re going to get rid of our Land Rover.”

“Is that an Obama Sticker on your bumper?”

“Yeah, it is! She works on his campaign.”

“I’m an Obama Mama!”

“Say, how are the schools around here?”

“You want to send your kids to Ivanhoe.

“Really good. Safe. Private. Ivanhoe.”

“…Minorities?”

“A few, but their parents are famous.”

“Like who?”

“…Like…that one rapper…the black one… I think he hates all of us.”

“But his wife is wonderful.”

“It’s like she’s not really black.”

“Yeah, we love Silver Lake. Lot’s of Asians, but they’re great.”

“The West side, I don’t know. It’s just go so expensive, you know?”

“And the beach attracts so many, I don’t know, minorities and everyone. I was in line to get on the 405 the other morning and there was a homeless, black man standing in the middle of on-ramp coughing and hacking his head off! And there was like, drool---”

“OH, God!”

“Yeah! And he came up to my car with one of those little signs, you know, asking for money? And he COUGHED right onto my car. It was like little spittle dots on my windshield! And I looked, just as I was about put the wipers on and I saw ‘blood’ in the spittle---”

“NO!”

“Yes! He coughed blood on my windshield! Little blood spittles!”

“God, it’s like: Why doesn’t he get to a doctor!?”

“I’m sure he doesn’t have insurance.”

“…Poor guy probably has lung cancer. He’s probably dying.”

“Yeah…”

“Asians die too.”

“Yeah, but they do it in a hospital.”

“You didn’t get any on you did you?”

“No! I just rolled up the window on the Prius, turned up KCRW and IM’d someone on my iPhone after that.”

“Well you won’t find any of that in Silver Lake. It’s very clean. Very safe.”

“And good schools.”

“Some Asians!”

“But mostly a lot of musicians.”

“And some actors!”

“But no one too big. That one guy. What’s his name? On that one show?”

“So you must be really excited about Obama, huh?”

“I just know he’s gonna win.”

“Now, Obama’s black. …Yeah?”

“But only half.”

“Now is his mom the black or his dad?”

“His mom, I think.”

“That’s good.”

“I think he’s really going to bring the country together, just like John F. Kennedy did.”

“I have a friend…he thinks Obama is going to give everything away to the blacks.”

“Why would ever do that?!?”

“My friend also thinks that if Obama Wins he’s going to get The Nation of Islam to rise up and kill all the White Devils and the Jews”

“The Nation of Islam??? Who are they? “

“Blacks. But not actors. …Or musicians. “

“…really?”

I DIG BLACKS, CHICKS AND P.O.W.'S.

The current political race is a contest of discrimination and reverse discrimination.

It’s no surprise to any one with a brain, or at least it shouldn’t be, that the majority of American’s are pack-minded sheep people and it was no surprise to me that Bush won a second term after stealing the 2000 election, sleeping on 9/11, losing the battle against the Taliban, starting the Iraq war, dismantling the constitution, bankrupting the environment and crashing the national economy. He won again because: People like him! Why? Because he’s cute and funny. I mean, it! The guy makes me laugh. Not in the: “Oh George Bush is an idiot bumper sticker” kind of way, but in a “down-to-earthy, shuck and jive, sort of human way.”

Today, I can’t quite figure out why so many people hate Hilary Clinton, including the NY Times and NBC and the News Media in general. When I meet a Hillary Hater, I always ask: Why do you hate Hillary so much? And the answer is always sort of vague. Something about special interests or Bill will be running the country again or she’s too smart or too brash.

Let’s be honest: If Bill Clinton would be calling the shots, SO WHAT!? 8 years of peace and prosperity were pretty cool. Hell, even I made a little money on the tech boom and I can barely balance my checkbook. There was a little military action here and there, but nothing newsworthy. Of course he did put the cigar in the intern, but hell, she was in her 20’s! At least he wasn’t trying to solicit sex from a young boy in a toilet…as far as we know….

And about Hillary getting special interest money: Who doesn’t get special interest money? Special interests give money to everyone. I’d take some too if I knew how to get my hands on it. Whatever.

Truth is people hate her because she’s a Woman. And being a woman is probably about the least popular thing in the world. People hate Women. The world is misogynist! Why? I don’t know!

Me, I dig women. Seriously. Women are my favorite people and I love talking to them, I love their gentle touch and their internal wisdom. I love a first date and that first, trembling kiss. I’d vote for Hillary. Why? Because she’s a chick and I totally dig her hot daughter too.

Now when I ask people about McCain, I always get something about: he’s too ugly, he’ll never get us out of Iraq, he’s too conservative, or he’s NOT conservative enough, or his wife is too young for him, etc… The POW thing isn’t even getting any play any more.

The real reason people hate John McCain is because: He’s elderly. Sad to say it, but it’s true. He doesn’t represent Youth or Vitality or Progress or Change. All the things people like to pretend America represents. John McCain is just an old, white man who has dedicated his life to the service of his country…and that get’s no play. There’s no spin the media can put on that. It won’t sell newspapers or TV advertising space.

Me, I dig old people! Seriously. I think they’re very charming and they have great stories and tons of varied experiences. And I totally dig the POW thing! Man! I mean, The Deer Hunter is like: My favorite movie! Remember? “Three bullets! We use three bullets!” Am I right? I mean, come on! Christopher Walken at the roulette table in Saigon?! I cried my eyes out! I will totally vote for John McCain because he’s old and because I like Vietnam Movies.

Now here’s the thing: everyone I talk to LOVES Barack Obama. But when I ask them “why” they love him so much, I get some sort of a vague, rhetoric riddled explanation that claims adherence to the liberal minded ideals of “hope”, “progress” and “affirmative action.”

Now before you all start freaking out, calling me a racist, let me tell you: I dig black people. I do. And I’m gonna tell you why.

Well, for one: They built this country. That’s right. They did. Not only physically by the slaves, but also economically, through the use of slaves and but also culturally and artistically with early blues music created by the slaves as a result of their suffering. Also, by the way: They’ve been here as long as white people and have, quite criminally, been kept in a state of semi-bondage ever since the Emancipation Proclamation. (Let’s just accept this as true and move on.)

However, let’s be honest: If you think for one second that Obama, evoking MLK or not, can get us out of Iraq or stop global warming or even stop your garage from getting tagged, after only four years of being in Washington as a Senator: you’re crazy! This is not Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. Washington isn’t Hollywood. In Hollywood they pretend to kill people but are just acting. In Washington, they kill people then act like someone else did it.

All that being said, let me just conclude that I would totally vote for Barack Obama. I would…for the same reason everyone else would: because he’s black.